Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Realizing I've starved myself of support

There's a longtime pattern in my life, of starving myself of support, and then getting to the point where I'm desperate for it.

I'm realizing this morning that I've been starving myself of support from friends this summer, though this time for different reasons.

In the past, it's been because I didn't feel I deserved the support. I rejected it from low self-esteem.

This summer, it's been because I didn't know how to stay in touch, when I was so stressed and so 'full' from time with my mom. I was spending so many hours listening to Mom really carefully, to figure out what was going on with her emotionally, and figure out what to say in response, and figure out how I could help by changing her living situation.

Now, after several months, I've figured most of it out pretty successfully, so I'm less tired and full after being with her. Witness Monday, when I was with her for 8 hours while she had medical tests. Earlier in the summer, 8 hours with her would have fried me completely for several days. Yesterday I was tired and a bit low but nothing like fried for days.

I'm still not real sure how to stay in touch with friends, but I'm hoping to figure it out well enough to get back in touch and renew those friendships. I've received so many emails from friends asking, "How's it going? How's your mom?" And when I've tried to respond, it was overwhelming, I didn't know what to say, because there was too much to say and I didn't know how to boil it down.

I went to a ritual to honor the Equinox last night in Evanston. It was pleasant but didn't go very deep, and I didn't make many connections there. I'm missing the kind of depth I had in connections with several friends in Colorado, and the depth I found in gatherings there of friends who'd done the Matrix training or Shadow Work weekends together.

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